When I stopped believing in God:

and why I believe in God again

I would like to talk about a time in my life when I stopped believing in God, and why I believe in God again. I gave a talk at a Ladies day recently and wanted to share this with others who may not have been there to hear it.

So my 2 most basic foundational beliefs were these: 

I wrote on one side of a piece of paper, GOD EXISTS. That’s a great belief to have right? Yes, of course. On the other side of this piece of paper, I wrote, “CHRISTIANS ARE PERFECT”. That was the other one of my foundational beliefs.

I did not put those beliefs on separate sheets of paper, I wrote them on the same piece of paper. And I will explain why I did that in a moment.

So on these 2 beliefs, that God exists and that Christians were perfect, I had built everything on top of that, all of my existing beliefs: like, the sky is blue,  red is red, 2 plus 2 is 4…and then everything I else I learned in school - I built on top of this. 

Now when I say that I believe that Christians were “perfect”, what I mean is I didn’t think they were like, exactly "perfect", but I believed That "Christians" always knew the right thing to do and they did that right thing…AND they didn't do bad things like murder people or steal or cheat on their husbands or wives.

So what had happened was…after I graduated from college, I moved to a big city and placed membership with a church I was very familiar with. The church had a preaching school and I felt that this was a very Biblically sound congregation. 

A few months after I had been assembling with the Christians there, and announcement was made one Sunday morning. The first person involved in the announcement was the head of the preaching school. I had a lot of respect for this person, in my mind I had him on a pedestal, way up high, because I thought he was very smart and wise, and I had to gone to him for counseling a few times too.

The other person in the announcement was a married girl/woman who was my age and I was friends with. So the announcement was that these 2 were in a relationship, and they were leaving the church and divorcing their spouses so that they could be together. (The biblical word for that is adultery.) 

 I was totally shocked. I couldn't believe that this man, that I thought of so highly, who claimed to be a follower of Jesus, who was so knowledgeable, who trained preachers and counseled families that had been broken apart by divorce and adultery - was involved in those very things! 

In trying to make sense of this, I just kinda looking around at my friends - my "church" friends and noticing that they did and said a lot of things that were un-Christ-like, and I looked back over my life, reflecting on the people I had known for a long time and had grown up around who said they were Christians - and that sometimes those people had said things or done things, that looking back on it, had hurt me.

I felt I had been let down and betrayed. And I was angry. All those people I thought were perfect, I realized were not.  So I said to myself, IF this is how Christians act, as in, they pretend that they’re perfect, but they actually go around hurting people and doing bad things, then I am not sure if I want to be one.

(Also, at this time, my prayer life wasn’t good either. I had met a guy a few years earlier when I first got to college. He wasn’t a Christian and wasn’t interested in being one, so I prayed that God would “wave his magic wand” and change his mind, because I liked this guy. Well, I prayed every day for almost 2 years and nothing happened. So I said to myself ‘if God’s not going to do what I want, then why pray?’ So I stopped praying. )

So, back to me feeling angry and betrayed and shocked. What I really wanted to do was just accept this new fact - this new reality - that Christians weren’t perfect, and move on, But I couldn’t do that, because, now that I knew that this was a lie (what I had written on one side of the paper, that CHRISTIANS WERE PERFECT)…

I then started wondering if what I had written on other side of this paper, that GOD EXISTED was a lie too….and maybe everything I believed was just…lies stacked on top of  other lies. I had to figure out what was true.

So I made a very difficult decision, but one that I had to make for myself at that time,  If you’ve seen the movie ‘Inside Out’, I had to destroy every island I had ever built in my mind and completely start over NOT BELIEVING ANYTHING!!!.  (at the Ladies Day I held up the sheet of paper with CHRISTIANS ARE PERFECT on one side and GOD EXISTS on the other side and ripped the paper in half.

And it felt very weird! Very strange, to not believe anything. I didn’t know if up was up or if down was down, I had to figure out everything all over again. Is red really red OR IS IT YELLOW AND PEOPLE HAVE JUST TOLD ME ITS RED? Is blue really blue? Is 2 + 2 really 4? That kind of thing. 

And also, because I wasn’t sure that God existed, I wasn’t sure that his rules actually existed either. Soo…I felt ”free” from feeling as though I had to follow his rules and I felt like I was free to do whatever I wanted to do. And Satan was right there to tempt me to get kind of curious about things I had never done before, wondering if I was “missing out” on things that the world says are so great.

So let me share with you Lesson #1 I learned during that time of what i thought was freedom: FREEDOM FROM GOD’S INSTRUCTION IS NOT FREEDOM.  

Let me explain it this way. You may have a pet, a dog or a cat. You love your pet, you take care of it, give it food, water, shelter, a comfy bed, toys, treats, everything.  And you open the door and what does your dog do? 

Psshooo! Theyre gone!!! And the dog is like ‘WHEEEE I”M FREE!!!!’ And what are you thinking? I know my dog is dumb…but really? How can my dog be so dumb!

So: are they free? Technically, yeah. Free to get to hit by a car and free to get eaten by who knows what.

I have lived in Houston for 7 years now, and TWICE in the last 2 or 3 years,  we have had *literal* tigers loose in people’s neighborhoods. But the devil? The Bible tells us that He’s is a lion, seeking people to devour. Would you want your dog on the loose when there’s a tiger somewhere? NO! You want your dog inside.

Now, this is where you have to make a distinction between inside and outside, in your mind. Being inside God’s teachings and instructions are NOT a cage to keep you from having fun or missing out!!! They are a strong house, with lights and warmth and protection and safety and, yes, freedom.

You don’t want your dog to be out in the dark when there’s a tiger on the loose, and you don’t want to be out there, in the dark, away from God, when there’s an ACTUAL LION on the loose! A lion that’s not looking for pets, he’s looking for people to trick and trap and devour! 

Please, please, really think how you define freedom. Freedom from God’s rules is not freedom, its the TRUTH- and the truth will make you free.

Another thing I learned, lesson #2: I really wish that I would have reached out to someone when I was struggling with that decision and talked about what I was going through. Instead of handling it all on my own.

So if (advising all of you), if you are ever struggling with something, no matter how big or small, please reach out to someone anyone your Christian family. If that person doesn’t help you find another person. That’s why God made us a family, to be there for each other and help each other. You may think you’re alone in whatever your struggle you’re in, but you’re not.

So, I remember the day I believed that God existed again. It had been about a year and a half since I started over in journey what was true. 

I was standing beside a tree, and I picked up a  leaf that had 5 lobes, or 5 points. I looked at it closely, and I could see the little veins that flowed into bigger veins and I could see the tiny pores to bring in carbon dioxide and release oxygen.

(It's not like I had never seen a leaf before, because everyone has. It's not like I hadn't taken biology and learned about all that - because I had done that too). It wasn’t anything crazy.

But what I saw THIS TIME about that leaf was function and purpose.

Then I looked down at what was holding this leaf, a 5 fingered hand, with little veins that flowed into bigger veins, and pores as well - and a function. And a purpose.

At that moment it dawned on me that what I believed from the beginning was true: that God designed and created the leaf just like he designed and created me.
He exists.
And he gave humans his Words because he loves us and wants us to know Him who created us, and what his will is for us. 

The scripture that really came to my mind about that is Romans 1:20 

‘For since the creation of the world God’s invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made.

How could things that exist around us…mountains. Clouds. Animals. Trees. Leaves. Hands….How could they exist without someone making them?

Lets talk about shoes. Every part of the  shoes that we wear has a function and a purpose. Do you think that your shoes just fell out of the sky? Do we think that our shoes somehow “evolved”? No, we know that those shoes were designed  and assembled and manufactured some of us are very happy about our shoes..

I have to wear Skechers because they are squishy on the bottom, they’re not rock hard like the shoes some of you wear, don’t know how you do that! But If a simple shoe absolutely has to be designed and manufactured, no question…what about me and you? What about our foot that’s inside that shoe?

Everything we buy has instructions from the manufacturer. Every shirt has a tag in it that tells you who made it, what’s it made of and how to take care of it.  (I brought one of my bags of instruction manuals and held it up to show everyone. (I have like 3 gallon ziploc bags of instruction manuals)). I save them for the important things. (I also brought the instruction manual from my car and held it up for everyone to see).

Just like these instruction manuals, you and I have an instruction manual from our manufacturer, the one who made us. This Bible. The words of God, our creator. It tells us who made us, what we are made of, and what we were made for. 

You want to know how to have the best life now AND eternal life? It’s in Him and his words. Its not an easy life to follow after Jesus, to walk the straight and narrow path, but it’s worth it. Its only in GOD and his words that we will find TRUE Freedom and truth and joy.

In conclusion:  I hope to leave you with 4 quick points.

1. Don’t be dumb like I was! Don’t stop believing in God.

2. We have a creator.  His word is our instruction manual.

3. Don’t put your faith in imperfect people cause it can make you lose your faith. No matter how great you think they are. Put your faith in God where it belongs.

4. If you’re struggling with that, or anything, please please reach out to your Christian family! that’s what we’re here for, to love each other and encourage each other and comfort each other and help each other get to heaven.